Communion wafers: body of Christ or everything but the penis?

A fault has appeared in the venerable institution that is the Roman Catholic Church.

The schism has appeared in an ancient tenet that has been one of the core practices of the Church dating to before there was a true Christian faith, to the Last Supper and Christ himself. The Holy Communion has long been held in respect of Christ's last days, with wine used to represent His blood and bread (now wafers) to represent His body.

Jeez-It's, expected to be producing cock-free wafers in early 2011

Now however a group of cardinals have stood apart from Vatican doctrine to state today at an ecclesiastical conference in Armagh that it may be time to reconsider just what Christ intended when He referred to the bread as His body.

"I find it hard to believe that Lord Jesus would wish for us to put his bits and pieces in our mouths, such a thing would be unseemly in the church," said Juan Carlos Patino-Arango, elected speaker for the group, a former Catholic seminarian and child abuser. "We believe that the Word of the Lord should be interpreted as 'this is my body in its most holy form, missing all the sinful bits'. I can't imagine Jesus wanted his penis in me."

Whilst a crowd of traditionalists listened on to the conference WNN reporter Dirk Manly was able to get in touch with none other than his Holiness Pope Benedict XVI via FaceTime on his iPhone 4.

Live from The Vatican.

"We are and always have been working to keep the Holy Church relevant in an ever changing world, we want people to know that we will always be there for them when the hectic pace of life begins to take it's toll, that in the Church there will always be solace. And to that end we have to be progressive, to meet the challenges of today and see exactly how they fit in with the Word of God. Take for example that whole thing about condoms, after much analysis and interpretation we saw that Jesus never mentioned what he did with the plastic bags his Hovis would have came in when he broke bread to feed the five thousand, and then it hit us... the Lord would have been BIG."

What is believed to be a life size recreation of The Lord.

His Holiness continued, "With regard to the issue of Communion Wafers it is the official position of the Church that Christ the Saviour did indeed mean His entire body, a subtle hint we realize that Jesus may have had some form of tacit acceptance for homosexuals."

Whilst the official position of the Vatican is condemnation of homosexuality the Pope refused to discuss if this new evidence might hint at a shift in Church policy and simply gave a cryptic wink and said "Watch this space."

Public debate in Armagh today.

Public opinion on the meaning of the Lord's words is divided in Northern Ireland and fighting over the matter is expected to run into the early hours of Saturday morning before everyone goes for a rest before the weekend.